see you again.

[ speechless. ] that is what i have been. my heart hurts, so suffocatingly, for the loss of my friend. i know she is with our God, but it hurts to know i can't just text her for a good laugh. 

i had never even spoken 2 words to this beauty until 16 months ago. she sat down with me to talk chemo and we hit it off as immediate [ close ] friends.. having so much in common - cancer, kids, nerdy husbands [ sorry derek & bryan ], and similar quick-witted personalities.. we had a LOT of fun and packed a lifetime's worth of friendship into those 16 months.. sharing times together that we didn't ask for, but were glad to have camaraderie through. we said so many times that we wished we had met each other before cancer.. but that wasn't how God intended it, i guess. 

i feel fully that His timing was perfect for our friendship- whisking her into my life as fast as it feels like He took her from me, but not without purpose. we had a lot of hard conversations amongst our fun ones - even inappropriately morbid ones where we planned pop celebs to perform at her oh-so-fabulous funeral.. but at more serious times, we pondered heaven and what it would be like. i'm glad we had those conversations, her sharing her thoughts of how great heaven would be.. and how we'd all be up there together someday soon. 

she is restored.. beautiful as always, without a care and with a full heart at the feet of Jesus.. but then there's us. i believe i will see her again [ even though i'll admit  it's hard for my simple brain to comprehend fully ] but my, how my heart aches until then. i don't like how far down in my messages folder on my iphone her message thread is getting.. that july 16th text from her is making its way down quickly.. how i long for her to pop up in a snarky, late-night text. or for her to tell me to stop smacking my gum.. or making me laugh with a silly facebook comment on one of my pics. just last night, i read an article about a post-chemo symptom breakthrough and before my heart could get to my head, i thought "ooh, i should share this with ams!".. only to realize i've lost that cancer buddy.. the one that made me feel so much less alone in the scary world of cancer, a world that we didn't ask for or want, but partied in it anyway. i miss my fellow party-goer. 

and yet, in just as many ways that she is absent, she's also everywhere. she's in the batman toy my son plays with that she just insisted he [ must ] have.. she's in the amber's army tee shirt that stares me in the face when i do laundry.. she's in the "davis" visitors' pass that is stuck to the end of my closet shelf from december when i went to be with her and casually stuck it there when i undressed.. she's automatically in our prayers at the table & bedtime as she has been for so long, but now, more for her family & friends than for her.

but God started this friendship 16 months ago, and His amazing grace & comfort still shows up for me in the sweetest of places. as we drove home from church this afternoon, a song came on the radio called "see you again" by wiz khalifa.. a song that has undoubtably tugged at my heart every time i've heard it this past week. as soon as the line "it's been a long day, without you my friend, but i'll tell you all about it when i see you again" finished, a sweet little voice from the backseat said "mama, does this song remind you of amber up in the clouds?" - yes. yes, baby girl, it does. we [ all ] miss that girl and this is all new territory, but just as the song said, we WILL see her again - might as well make a good story to tell her all about when we see her again.